All i Ever Want To Do iS Worship . . .

Saturday, November 13, 2004

And make my seated heart knock at my ribs

"Cannot be ill, cannot be good"
"If good, why do I yield to that suggestion
Whose horrid image doth unfix my hair"

macbeth..

sommore quotes, but not from a famous person, but from a friend, with no permission to quote... hahaha... sorry if u're reading this.. :)

"..and whose not the 'i dont want to talk to you anymore' and really does what you say...then go for it. maturity in handling the situation is important. and it takes 2 hands to clap, so both parties..."

and i guess its all a maturity part.

had much of a fun yesterday, riskin the damn fact that i would lose my voice again, rofl. who cares, as long as i get to go out. and so m i going in a while. go take a look at the xmas tree and enjoy the scenary there. haha.. of people working hard and me just walkin around the whole time and talkin to people. guess i'd rather encourage them now lah. anyway its the first day afterall. but will have to go dwn during the week to encourage someone else, hope she's ok lah. haiz... people please dun fall sick during this period, it sucks.. heh.. really doesnt feel good at all. cannot go out and all.. and hari raya sommore leh. how now?! haha... recover fast fast k? ;)

there's much i do want to say, but there's nothing i really wanna speak of, where there are things that happens not in the view of the naked eye, where are there emotions stirring, not on the reflection of the face, where there are thoughts flying, not on the lips of our mouths. many things that have made me think a lot more, and pray a lot more, i guess its just God's will that these are happening. i guess as long as i grow closer to God again, all things will fall into place, and all things will go according to His will thats governed by Love over me. i guess its my choice to wanna get back to Him, to open my heart up again, and release my thoughts back to Him and loosen the knots that are tied in my heart, the thorns which has entached its hooks growing deeper into my heart, guess its time i'd just let God take the thorns out again, guess its time that i start afresh with God, guess its time i committed myself again. guess its time i let go and let God...

funny isnt it that many a times we say something and yet do something else. makes us look like fools, when i say i dun care anymore, u will just find me doing the same shit and gettin myself into the same situation again, caring.. funny, isnt it, that we try to do something that we know will hurt and just do it for the fun of getting hurt. funny isnt it that our flesh goes against the will of our heart and our spirit, that we are actually so weak compared to what we think we are? funny isnt it that we actually are so silly in our thinkin when we proclaim maturity and wisdom? when we are trained to think like gods in perfection and yet see only a small picture? when we say we are sensitive and still not know why people are actually hurting you, for you own good they can claim. funny isnt it, that we ourselves as leaders preach follower-ship and yet not obey our leaders? funny isnt it that we hate ourselves, when we say we love everyone, when we cannot actually love our own brother. funny isnt it, for love we do stuff thats beyond our wildest imaginations. funny isnt it, that love is such a powerful thing and yet it makes us look so weak and vulnerable?

its good to have someone to listen to, its good to have someone who listens, its good to have someone who listens. someone to cry with, someone who acknowledges your presense and ur emotions, to have someone who will see that u are human after all. i m not superman, i m not a professional counsillor, i m just me, mark lai. a boi who is also in need, a boi who also needs a hero, a God to save me. i m me, i m not my friend, i m not my brother, i m not my father, i m not my mother, i m also not u... i m not theirs either. i m me, a free man, set free by God, with love, given a choice..

i was thinkin, gosh, 17th bdae was a key to my life, the day that God had actually released this key of choice back to me, for i made a choice to give God this key when i was in sec sch till i was 17. and when i had this freedom that God had given me, i, the silly me, thot i was so mature to actually make my own decisions and held on to that freedom once more, where i started losing focus, started makin all MY decisions that brought me lower and lower, i did not want to give it back to God, how silly of me, when i knew that i actually needed God wanted God, couldnt live without Him, i wanted freedom too, and as they say, u cant have the best of both worlds, you really cant, and i will make a decision again, soon, that this life WILL be given back to God, where there will be no key to unlock this promise again, to follow God with all my heart, and not get disillusioned and move towards one goal, to glorify the name of God for He is worthy, so that my life wont screw up again, so that i wont screw my life up. there wouldnt be a year like this again, where freedom given in the wrong person's hands will lead only to destruction and pain, tears and agony. when i will raise again and follow God's plans when he says left i will not err to the right, and when he says no, i will not go ahead with it. according to his plans.

i will not go look at the grey, for its either holiness or nothing. where nothing will keep my heart knockin in fear and doubt with a decision to harm and hurt, there wont be an IF, there will only be obedience. there will be a day i will say no to sin in the face, and say yes to righteousness and holiness in totality. there will be a day that we all will look at the father and praise His name with our lives and worship Him in spirit and in truth, and worship Him in the Spirit.

the time has come for men and women to rise up...

prepare yourselves

MarkSae, Da-jie Bid Goodbye at 4:38 PM

i.S. t.h.i.S. t.h.e. e.n.d. o.R. t.h.e. S.t.a.R.t.