All i Ever Want To Do iS Worship . . .

Saturday, December 11, 2004

im not keepin up anymore

sorry this is really an unintended post, and more so, something that u all will dread to read thru, yeah real, so what? and no pain that u feel, just entertainment rite? then enjoy laughing and finding my miserable life ur joy pot and comparatively less enjoyable than yours, count ur blessings.

so yeah i placed a very vague structure of how my week was in yesterday's post, from monday onwards, ive been slogging my gutts out for the camp, for sch. for everyone else whom i do not call mother father and brother. for no one i call myself.

i guess ive reached to the point of exhaustion already, falling sick wasnt enough for me two days back, now i m even trembling at my keyboard, the only reason why i m here typing all these out, is because i m in a state of unhappiness and angst, of exhaustion without being able to rest a single bit, to do something for a whole bloody hour i call RELAXATION, its either the phone the handphone my brother or my msn blinkin (thats why i went off in VAIN), i cant even do something to relax, everyone wants somehting of me. why do people require of me so much when i want to rest and do something that i want to? why do people not actually come and ask me what they can do for me for once? why m i always there to help and with one word no, why doesnt anyone actualy just spare a damn though of how much damn work that i have? and how lile damn rest that i have, what the hell i think at this damn rate i will end up in mental hospital for going crazy lah.

oh yeah u have problems and u need to be listened to, so what about me, oh u are tired? me? i have nothing to do..? yeah please believe in that lie. i have nothing to do, all i do is entertain people and make people laugh 24/7. there isnt going to be any fulfillment for me doing all these with just thanks i tell u, no money is enough. all i want is some damn time i can keep off everything and rest on my own with myself and do somethin for myself. how much do i get a week? guess what? 1 fucking hour isnt even there !!!!!! this is my damn life, u want to live it? where no one actually knows what u are doing, thinks u are slacking till eternalty, and doesnt care a shit of what u think. hello!!! one day i will blow at ur face, anyone for that matter, u wanna push that line by all means im game for it, im game for letting myself lose control, show u what i can become of.

today wasnt a very nice day, while people love their phones to ring in the morning, i dread wakin up to phone calls, why, that means work, work and more work, thats all for me, work and all work, church sch heartware, everyone, people, u they everyone, phone call, yay! even if the bloody phone call is to tell me that i won money, i will still dread it, damned, it sucks i tell u... oh there are still exceptions, but heya good morning!!! wakey and talk to me!!! damn it lah, i hardly get my sleep, so for once i beg, no, please, dun deprive me any further of my sleep, i will go insane, i will go gaga!!! kuku damn it!

rushing, being late, damned i hate it, u are not being time conscious, thats not my damn problem, damn it, and tahnks for ur sarcasm aft i have rushed so hard under circumstances push things till last min, sometimes i dun hyave a bloody choice when things dun look favorable at all, thanks for just wanting to rub the salt in ok? for all the damn hard work, thank you!! u have done so well to be my brother, so encouraging to me i feel do damn lifted up, my spirit is so damned filled, oh please dun telll me that he is saying all that out of good will, please, save that bull shit that even a 5 year old kid can hear from his tone, save it ya? thanks for that, really appreciate u adding the preassure so that i can be driven crazy and sent away, oh hell yeah..

oh the only good thing today, the weather, it didnt rain nor was it hot, wooooohoooo!!! :D

then i reach home after 3 hours of walkin arnd and arnd without water, having a sorethroat and explainin things to a home that will only need more of me.. damn could i just be useless for one day, redundant, nothing, just tell me to do nothing for once will u all?? nooooooo....

i cant peacefully lie dwn at the tv to watch my show i didnt have the heart to want to watch tv already, forwarded most of the show, i was just too irritated with whatever that was happening, i was too pissed, i cant do anythin gi wanted to do i jsut wanted to cry and just shout it out, tell someone at least, hey hey mark u have many friends with none that will actually put the effort in to want to listen, and i know there is one lah, but she's jsut too overloaded with her own other stuff already, how could i add something esle to her and make her end up like me? oh thanks my other friends, u really are friends to me, such good friends.. wow!!!!

im just so tired, im almost a goner already, and i just cant put my head dwn on the bed to slp, know why? cos i just dun have the mood already, i cant stop my brains from thinkin now, thinkin and thinkin and thinkin and thinkin bout things!!! cos that what the world has made me out to be, by not allowin me to rest, my brains dun want to rest anymore! weeeeeee thanks world i love u all...

and sincere thanks to twin, and if mummmmmmm was ok, she'd deserve this too.... thanks a gazilllion.......

u always NEEED PEOPLE FOR YOU? WHY DUN U STOP AND THINK IF PEOPLE DO NEED U FOR A CHANGE?

thanks world for shortening the time away from the mental institute and go home to timbaktu...

MarkSae, Da-jie Bid Goodbye at 11:01 PM

i.S. t.h.i.S. t.h.e. e.n.d. o.R. t.h.e. S.t.a.R.t.