All i Ever Want To Do iS Worship . . .

Friday, March 18, 2005

the reluctance to acceptance

i was supposed to blog on monday, then again, i was too busy with something else. then i was supposed to blog on tues, but seemingly, i was also busy, and so was wednesday... and i came to a conclusion that it was merely an excuse to avoid what i have been wanting to say. and before, i felt so passionately about it. so where has this passion gone to?

my deduction: is has been hidden, under a layer of something that has not been allowing it to shine, to manifest itself. mayb it need a lile encouragement from something, someone, so that it could be back again, proud and bright. englufing me that i may again be a different person. its been discouraging; its been tough; i guess these are just but excuses, words that everyone uses to cover up for their pride, their oh big heads...

monday was a good day. good as the Lord is good. it was THAT good. nothing special actually happened. i had to go to sch for my most dreaded lesson, had a test. autocad: nitemare for mark lai who is artistically handicapped.. many unpleasant things happened i guess. that morning i had a bad morning mare, dreamt that someone's house was burning, and had this really hillarious sms in my handphone, in the dream that is, but this sms wasnt in its nature of funny, it was a nitemare to me.

"error: please do not try and send msgs in your dreams"

and the stupid clocked showed 11, when i was supposed to wake at 9. all the things that could go wrong went wrong in that dream, something that seemly portrayed my present life. maybe i needed a dream like that, and that would have made my day really well - no that was such a lie. all wrong.........

the only reason was this: that day, before i went to slp at 3, i made this prayer, after a long while of not doing so. 'Lord, i pray that you would just be with me tmr, each and every second and min, just spend the whole day with me, i need some sleep now so please let me slp, in Jesus name, amen' it was a simple prayer. a prayer that i guess anyone would just overlook sayin that oh God is with us everyday. but to me, that made my day special again, it made my happy again. i finally had joy in my heart! something that i had not experienced in a loooong time... and it was true. although i can say that the day didnt go well, at the end of it, i could smile and say, it was a nice day spent with you. i thought of him so frequent, so much of his love filled me, so much of his joy, and so much of his peace.

some people might say, oh well, why say its God? its ur own choice to be happy or not. yesh i can say its a choice, but to me the only choice that i made was at that very nite, when i said that very prayer. it was that prayer that unlocked God's love and grace and blessings and joy and everything that came along, with what prayer, it changed my day. i could say it wasnt a choice that i remained happy at all those things that happened in the day, the days were as bad as those before. maybe that day was even worse. with the dream and the test and the weather, and me already being at home. yeah. it sure wasnt a choice of my own to be happy. with all those that was happening the past week, blah blah blah.... i couldnt have been suddenly choosing that prepective anyhow. it was truely something different that day that changed me thru and thru, it wasnt the me that was there the last few weeeks on monday (ok that was a lile confusing. but read again and u will get it).

but still... i guess im a disappointment to myself. lazy? pride? i have no idea.... i knew what i needed to have a good day, YOU! and that was really what i needed, but did i actually get what i needed everyday? hahah... no.

the rest of the week was either too busy too tired or too lazy. haiz...

so i should get what i need.... i should, i must, i will... so when is it mark? i have absolutely no idea.... let it be now? let it be tmr? nex week? why dont you dare commit again? afraid that you get hurt? afraid that you do not meet up to ur expectations this time rnd? afraid of what?

knowlegde only leads you to knowing more. but conviction leads to action and action leads to a cause, and the cause are you willing to die for.......?

i've brought disgrace to all who say that they love God, with my actions... and ive brought shame to the name of He who loves me....

but he'll always have his hands open up, and be there waiting for me so that he could run to me

MarkSae, Da-jie Bid Goodbye at 9:10 PM

i.S. t.h.i.S. t.h.e. e.n.d. o.R. t.h.e. S.t.a.R.t.