All i Ever Want To Do iS Worship . . .

Sunday, December 31, 2006

the end, or is it?

问世间情为和物

"to be in love and fall out of it

or

not telling someone you love him/her."

the love affair of secrecy and distance, in silence and emotions overflowing.

it was once told me me that loving secretly was the sweetest, i wonder, who told you that?

the agony of falling inlove, the thought of the person every moment of the day, every time you pass by a shop, something brings that person to your mind, the long hours of not seeing that person at all. the void without that person's voice, smell, presence. the agonizing peroids waiting for a message, waiting just for a reply. even a second would feel like a day, and when the reply comes, its like an estacy, keeping you high the whole day. when the person says something just sweet enough like "you better take care of yourself k?" that little bit of care and concern, you'd just melt in them, you'd just tell yourself, s/he loves me too.

oh love, what a wonderous drug. arent you just addicted to him/her?

and the thought of just falling in love, the highs it carries and the lows it tumbles on you. the estacy of love. being left in the dark yourself, unknown to yourself if s/he cares or not, the longing for such a care and concern back, the hope in it that the person loves you too. you want it bad, you just want to know somehow, reading into actions, reading into words, reading into every single detail the person puts forward. such a pain to do so, reading into the wrong things.

the irritation of uncertainty about the person's feelings for you, "have you no response to what i've done for you so far?" and yet its still, "have you not liked me yet?" or the "i know, s/he likes me too, but really so?" and many times caught in these questions over and over again, this affects the heart, the thinking and the spirit doesnt it?

its always the uncertainty, the being left hanging there, the LOWS of the withdrawal symdrome thats the pain in not telling, the one sided secret (an lian) of it all.

think this fits best here:

the ironies of life

"i'm addicted to her. its like when i'm not with her, i allow my heart to wander, and where that the heart doesnt want to phantom of.

but maybe its a vicious cycle, wherein, i dont want to have that feeling, that torment and confusion, i'm sure within myself, its just the tug at heart strings.

and when i see her, i realised, no i dont like her, the love i have for her isnt one that is of romance. and each time she's not there, i've to satisfy that need of freedom from such a feeling, i have to see her to feel otherwise.

and maybe, its all a vicious cycle.

i just want to get the feeling off, and maybe, i just want the feeling to continue, and maybe i dont know at all. for now, i'm certain of the route. "

source unknown

"actually, i'm in love with you, and i really want to know if you have feelings for me too."

"if you dont try, you never know if s/he is the one"
(yeah RIGHTTTTT)

the perpetual highs, the "i love you"s and "you love me"s the i know you love me and you know i love you. at least there's a certainty there, "we were once" thingy. there was this 'hope', maybe a hope, i'd call it a false hope. that things would work it cos we were forever meant for each other (for that period of time), while we loved, we touched, we kissed, we were in our own world. the love that blossomed, the times that were shared, the love that was conveyed, the assurance of each other's time, of each other's love especially, there wasnt a need to spend time anymore, three words would make good everything. while it lasted, it felt like that bestest time of your life.

and as problems come, and as you realise, s/he wasnt as perfect, was the one really to fill with the words, and not anything else and as "i knew you really werent meant for me for the rest of my life", that "you were meant only for that moment 'such as this'" (oh to hell to whoever who uses that phrase now, damned and be damned by all, you son of a mother). hearts tear, love shatters, voice raised, problems blossomed, broken lifes.

the whole agony of knowing that it wasnt meant, the emotions that was put in, the life that was put in, the knowledge that you werent right from the start, the pain where your heart now is torn by the very love you poured out, the fear to love, the fear to be loved, the longing for more love, the search for love, the confused heart, the even more confused heart, the mind that wanders and wonders. the prolonged high, and the prolong lower low, the emotional douldrums.

ouch

so, which is worse my dear, i've laid out these, what say you?

直叫人生死相许

its the last day of the year. and everyone says the year closes, and as the year comes to an end, there must be a closure, closure.

and i asked myself, "who dictates when the year starts and when it end?" and "who then dictates when i'd to do my closure, the reflection, the time i spend"

but for it to be in place, i'd believe that the person that God had allowed the person to do so would then also be God allowed to dictate when it was. Hence, i can consider it God's timing. and since its all in God's hands for us to do something like that, why do we want to oppose it? why do i want to go against the power that made me, that allows me to question and find the answers with Him?

so a closure, an ending. good bye 2006, the year that i'll forever be grateful to, the year that has everything too much. the year that resounds dejavu. the year the brought be back to reality, to God. good? it has been a good year. without an ending i must say. for my beginnging didnt start in jan but in march/april. but if i would look at this as the end of the year. i'd say that it has been very good, and very bad.

good byes

there are a few good byes to some people that i've to say to, and a few good byes that are really painfully said. but i guess its all in the process of letting go.

my relatives have been in town these past few weeks, almost three actually.. but spent a week in msia, my grandma came along, and its rather weird not to have grandma come with grandpa. before them coming, my mum and i would stop short at gon... and then say porh porh is coming over with my aunt and cousins. its like very natural to say gong gong porh porh is coming over. it seems just too weird. but i've now very much gotten used to it. and its like my grandma also opened up alot more. and i get to talk to my grandma alot more, and its me to not want to leave her alone or not talking, its i dont like our silence. she still talks alot about my grandpa. ((:

you who are flying, goodbye, we'd meet soon, i hope. rmb, you still owe me! bahs

to a few more whom i shant mention as yet..

hello

welcome my new and not so beloved sister!! lol.. you have been a great spiritual support and reminder, thank you for the love poured out and the life shared too. its been an encouragement, i'm proud of you! and how i wish i could say that too.

fuji, the one who leads me, who brought me to a higher level, thank you, you have been such an inspiration, such a model. well MONEY WILL DROP FROM THE SKY, God will provide, and you are the classic example of that. thank you!

God, welcome back? ((:

the end is not here..

there are many things actually i've yet to finish, many undone businesses, many letters not written out, many things that i've yet to do also, the year will not close with these, the year cannot close like that, its just not right. it should not be like that, it shouldnt! but its beyond my control now isn't it. there can be only this much a cripple can do now.

i still thank God for twin

its been still very amazing how replicas are being born out like that, how we can talk and not explain and not assumingly know what each other mean, but really know what each other mean, the realisation that there's at least someone there with us, who understands, no matter how hard it is, no matter what it is. things to happen to 'prove' our twinish existance. it was still really hillarious that day at yt's house when the first round we two sitting at opposites would actually be waiting for the same card! tsk tsk tsk... the twin where God allows to surprise me no matter how unsurprising we can get with our similiarities (yeah its quite a juxtaposition). and i guess our year has also ended with us hanging, with alot of things to carry forward with, i'm sorry twin. x_x

watching and waiting, seeking and searching.

seconds, minutes, hours, days
a month is made with ways
beyond us there it lays
to grasp in usage as one may.

for a year takes twelve months
all the boredom and the fun
as long as it will last
day by day it will past.

the joys and pains we bring along
for some day it'll break our fall
yes, even the pains or so we call
the hurts or the previous falls.

let go babe. let go.....

just to think a little more before this

she can make my heart flutter, but not my eyes flicker and not my brain linger. she's just a passing emotion...

i'm not any tom dick and harry, i dont try to be different, i'm a rebellion against uniformity and conformity. i'm partially of insanity.

or you may just say, i'm weird..

no, dont ever ask anyone to change, for better or for worse, which ever's the case, just let him/her be influenced by your life, just let him/her know who God is, and the person would change. everyone, young or old knows whats good for him or her, do not believe those adults when they say that they dont, its just at that point of time, good and important are two very different things.

in a short tinker, you'll just forget what you just thought about.

it not that i'm hiding who i am, its just that you cant understand, you dont, you wont. its not your fault, its not mine either..

or is it just the beginning?

MarkSae, Da-jie Bid Goodbye at 1:58 PM

i.S. t.h.i.S. t.h.e. e.n.d. o.R. t.h.e. S.t.a.R.t.