All i Ever Want To Do iS Worship . . .

Friday, April 20, 2007

oh wait, you already have

and somehow i find that it has something to do with me, like, its my fault.

reality and illusions, hi twin, my escapist twin. you are indeed a twin. sometimes i'd really wish i'd just disappear from this world. no calls, no msgs, no nothing. a release from reality, a removal from responsibilities, i just want a way out, totally from all these, and those, i just want to be the nuah king and sit doing nothing, nothing, i'm that desperate.

but there's this thing within me telling me, bro, dont think too highly of yourself.

'uncle' dez was always using the term "lets go" and "leave them be", last night, it hit hard, and sometimes, i tell myself, why cant i just do that too? leave them be, let them rot, they will wake up sooner or later. its ok, move to your own world, and if you want company, you have a few as company within you, its ok, they understand at the very least, unleash them, unleash your unreality.

there's always more i can do, there's always not enough done, there's always more.

and each time i tell myself to give up, relax, GIVE UP, and let things be themselves, they arent 5 year old kids, whats the point in nagging, its their lives, their minds, they souls, their pain. they arent your kids, they arent even blood, there are more important things to do, much more, try living with the many thats within you, try understanding yourself first, try bringing that peace within, than trying to bring that peace, without.

there is nothing credible in your actions

i'd just want to bury my head into the solitude that i have, the very solitude, the very point of, what are friends for, when you have yourself, why be a social butterfly, when you anyways can be an anti-social freak - talkin, entertaining himself - anyways, they'd just think another person has lost it and hit lunacy. having them think: it must be society's fault, the unforgiving society, and unaccepting society, the degrading society.

warrants me to stop anyways.

anyways all i need is music and some more music, i'll survive, i'll live, and i'll be happy, oooo... actually happier. but just meaninglessly happier. or maybe i'll just find my own meaning, my own philosophy of life, the realisation and the eptiome of escapism and unreality: disillusionment and detatchment of the human social normalities. sounds like a good philosophy, and maybe before i really become insane, i'd make an excessive thesis on this and convince the whole world that i am already indeed insane to come up with this.

i just want to close my eyes, and not hear anything

knowlegde is evil (i know im repetitive) when you really do not know what to do about it. it is evil, cause you realise, you will become evil too, when you do nothing about it. it is evil towards you, when you realise, you cant do anything about it, but to see it unfold its evil plans and turn you into an evil monster too, in turn. knowledge is sadistic.

its as if we can see sound instead.

maybe its about time the first 20 year old kids starts having dementia. an oblivion to the world. oblivion in its essense of pretense, watching the world go by, watching shit happen, and then forgetting them, and not letting any of them affect, and hearing all that can be seen, but not listening, knowing, but not in realization.

they are all screaming heresy, what i'm saying, its all heresy.

then tell me, teach me, educate me, what is better than a total avoidance, and when escaping is not anymore an option, what is better than oblivion? its just a self preservation attempt, at least you die pretty; hoping that you'll just die older too.

and no, i'm not going to bring Him into the picture now

be glad, or be sad, its up to you, cause i dont really want to mention Him with this here, it'll just be wrong, a spoil spot, it'll just stop me from dreaming it'll just bring be right back to reality, this painful reality of asking myself everyday, when am i going HOME? when am i going to leave this dreadful sinfilled world where i'm ridden with sin and all the disgust that i myself do and also see, where i only know that the immense suffering is greater than the joy, cos the joy is never complete, the joy is not prefect, not what you get in Heaven. (i know i'm contradictory, dont have to point it out people, i'm a purposeful person, think stupid. (: )

'cause i know, this philosophy is hell-bound

its not your philosophy if you find it familiar, do not claim ownership of it, its mine, and i know that this is hell-bound, just, if you find it familiar to your own, then start worrying too, cause it might too be...

and yesh, i am insane, i'm just crazy

different means crazy, weird, institutionalized

anyways i'm from an institution, and i'm proud of it. for 10 years, of 4 in an institution, they just do the same, systemise you and make you just like the rest the same the timid same little tot that they just want you to be. think this way and vote properly, think this way and comment in favor of us, think this way, or else it is wrong, think this way, or else....

please, dont make me worry for you also
its just a jigsaw puzzle right?
aftword: confused? not understanding? its ok, its a usual phenomenant, only showing that you are perfectly fine, you're totally sane. its not that this is 'cheem', its just, different, weird, insane, so yesh, it be that way.

MarkSae, Da-jie Bid Goodbye at 6:39 PM

i.S. t.h.i.S. t.h.e. e.n.d. o.R. t.h.e. S.t.a.R.t.