All i Ever Want To Do iS Worship . . .

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

blurry hearts, milky eyes.

a post, i dont know what i'm saying either.

things happen, people change, words flow, fears inflate.

maybe there's something wrong with me, maybe its a chemical thing, or maybe its just me being weird, having one of my seasonal as usual guy pms. do guys get it too? maybe its just when you had enough emotional pile up, you just need to unload, you just need to release it somewhere, if not the built up would cause just a million and one unhappy thoughts and the inability to do anything much.

this feeling of doom, oh i know it so well.

what have you thought that i have not thought of before? what have you feared about that i've not put myself through, what have you seen, that i havent visualised and tried to discard there after? warped, diverse, imaginative - actually, i dont know what depicts my mind the best. or maybe its just none of the above. i even hear voices so real it scares me at night.

death i fear not, and once i used to welcome it, but it, it irks me that i'm beginning to distaste death - not for my life's sake, but for the reasons of others, being upset, needing me, having been hurt. where, my heart, did this compassion arise?

God, the keeper of promises, those i hold on to, tight and sweet.

she, i wont allow to rule my life, govern my emotions, mess my thoughts. its hard as it is, but i cant, and shouldnt, i wouldnt. cause thats the only way i can protect myself now. unable to put myself somewhere i dont want to, and yet somewhere safe, safe from this crazy world.

doesn't she know, if he listened, he wouldnt be where he still is now.

nonchalance - an art. sublime disinterest. it protects every thought of mine, every action, and from now. every word i shant speak, and every action reserved, just too guarded.

doesnt she know he loves it only because she loves it?

answers have been plain, words in retort, words in response, all done so long ago. i'm not sure if i want to say anything again. i'm not sure, if i have changed much, and i'm not sure, if whats happening to me, is whats being repeated again and again. a comforting yet disturbing issue. as much a pain, and as much a joy, but the mystery is all a chore, poison, and what kills me the most.

"i think i just wnat to crash, crash and emo and feel its the end of the world. cause i know, at least when i feel like that, i can stand up again, its not too late, i am certain that i crashed. rather than this feeling, i'm uncertain, i'm hanging, i'm lost, i havent fallen, i havent been on cloud nine, i haven't just been anywhere, i cant pick myself up, when i dont know that i already my in pieces, when i don't know just about anything. this feeling, oh hope in just about nothing. this sense that i cant crash, and this sense that i can't have whats in the end of it all."

apathy apathy, is it really our fault that we turn apathetic, that we are indifferent?

while the world proclaims to embrace differences, to unite and discard, to be ourselves. do we care about what others think about us? are we just not protecting ourselves? are we just not living on our instincts of survival. while the world tries to eliminate the odd balls, remove us from the society, yet, society calls for difference, we encourage the weirdness, we defend the non-conformist, isn't it soon enough that everyone is a non-conformist? isn't it true that everyone is trained a leader and leads well no one, and becomes no leader at all? we live, then in a society, that contradict itself. i live in my world where nothing meets eye to eye. an extreme contrast to issues.

too naked, too vulnerable, too lost. see, i'd rather crash.

fear that grips me so, leaves me feeling quesy. unable to sleep, unable to do anything. this fear of losing, losing just about anything, and everything, is that what You want me to have? so that in losing, i can understand what it is to gain? i don't know what else to lose already, are you starting on something so close to the heart, well, if so, remove it fast and quick, this slow torment, i can't take, the losing, i might, but this hanging, this uncertainty, i grapple with.

uncertainty, God, your promises, YOUR promises. are they certain? you said, you'd fulfill them, and i'm so uncertain, family, friends, education, work. you've left about everything in my life with a decision to be made that one person or another will object, God, help me. its not a crossroads of only one thing in life, why do they all have to come all together. God, remind me your promises!

"forever in Your might hand, living in Your promise, written on my HEART!" - In You, @ hillsong

you dont really know me at all do you?

i'll be, as much as i can, as much as you want, as much as i need to be.
and sometimes there's a limit to how strong we can be. there's a limit to how much we can let ourselves be known, there's a limit to who we can be.
and my heart's already been broken without an action, without my knowledge, without a warning, and i now i know, i still had some to break, and there's still sommore to be able to be broken.

we can promise the world on a million and one things, but how much of is it going to be fulfilled, and how much of it is to come to naught and emtpy talk?

and then again. i wish for death to befall me, not today, but in a while, when i've fulfilled all that i'm supposed to. could that be tomorrow?

you dont know what love is, you dont know what love can do, you dont know that love is what you and i are made of, and the reasons that we still live, breathe, eat and die. and you dont know what love, could really feed a man and make him live, you dont know that love actually makes this world spin, and you dont know that love, is also in death.

come dine with me in my sin, eat from this table of obsessions, feast your ears and understand the weight of this indulgence.

i'm not sure if its worth it anymore, but i'm sure He's worth it. its not that easy..

主耶稣啊我快要撑不住了.

是否可放手,
其實我絕非愛得不夠　

MarkSae, Da-jie Bid Goodbye at 9:45 PM

i.S. t.h.i.S. t.h.e. e.n.d. o.R. t.h.e. S.t.a.R.t.