All i Ever Want To Do iS Worship . . .

Sunday, August 19, 2012

things i say to myself

i have floated around, finding somewhere i may air my thoughts and complaints, somewhere, untainted by eyes, i may call mine and only mine.

i'm a burden you shouldn't be carrying too, very heavy and old.

"look at him, so happy, if he knew what i went through he'd feel terrible, why would i want to do that if i loved him so much." - Scrubs

sometimes when we paid the price, we wonder, is it worth it?

forgive me, i just need to be away for a bit, away from you, away from all these, to keep things in good perspective, to catch a breather.

i know i've been mean, but i don't really know which pain is better, and i guess if i can control it, i find that better.

and so at this we part, walking our separate paths, moving in tangent opposite, extinguishing all that we've had.

somehow i work against the reciprocity theorem, giving and not wanting anything in exchange, perhaps it's due to the experienced disappointments, having given and not receiving, learnt in behaviour and attitude to not receive.

i fear when i give my all, and what happens then to me? there's only so much to me, and there's more, with God.

am i really ready to lose myself and all that i am?

if you screamed and no one heard, did you actually scream?

for it is change in which we can exact that is the very proof of our existence. and once our lives fail to exact change, even the slightest bit, can we say that we exist, are there footprints of our once walked life?

it is not to question if we are changing, or if we remain stagnant, but rather, since change is always happening even if we resist it, how we respond to change, ride on the change, or exact the change. it is not wrong to be responding or riding and not exacting, we were born to do different things, and different situations call for different responses. sometimes we just need to respond to the change and flow with it, sometimes we have to be above it, not taking control, but coming victorious over it, and sometimes, we have to take charge, to change what is needed. sometimes we follow, sometimes, we lead. but always, we follow Him.

there are moments in the day when there's a sudden clarity of mind, and then the rest are just but fuzzy, hazed, a mess of thoughts and emotions.

there's a thin line between giftedness and insanity, exquisite and queer, relentless and stalkerish.

and random thoughts that pass through the day, and some that i can't remember anymore.

that none may hear

MarkSae, Da-jie Bid Goodbye at 5:26 PM

i.S. t.h.i.S. t.h.e. e.n.d. o.R. t.h.e. S.t.a.R.t.