All i Ever Want To Do iS Worship . . .

Saturday, July 13, 2013

and then you realise

you struggle through a dramatic week, much has happened, much as gone through your mind, much has haunted your nights, and days.

i've laid in bed wondering, what would have been different if i could change things; what would have been different if we had made different decisions so so many years ago. and then i realised, there was nothing that i would want to change. the roads, the paths, the decisions, they have brought me to this place where i'm standing.

it was 5 years ago, we took the bus, we talked, we asked questions, we spoke and listened. and then two passed, and we sat, we talked, we pondered, we screamed and we never did listen. all we had to do was to grow up.

it was 9 years ago, we said hi, we flirted, we joked, we touched, we shared moments, we disagreed. we distanced ourselves over the busyness of our schedules. we ended it all. all i had to do was to never have began something that i shouldn't have started.

over the past week, over the moments and times, the windows of life where our paths met, each time, you triggered something, each time you changed a part of me, each time you allow me to realise something more about myself, about life, and about God. it is interesting that in these little contact, you make me change a little. i never really understood the influence you had over me, i never really understood how mature you were. and yet i never really understood how you never really understood me; we were one, and the same. but yet, i never really understood myself, so how, if i had to ask myself, would i ever expect anyone else to ever understand me?

and yet, over the times and seasons, the moons and winds, the changes that life has weathered into us, have you really become different. am i a different person and you a different being? why, why do i feel so distant, so alien from you; why is there this feeling of two strangers meeting for the first time?

and yet this is filled with so much history and meaning, so thick with memories and so shrouded with emotions. fueled with hope and cajoled with imagination, such fantasies that live in the mind of the broken hearted and forlorn. such fantasies that one hopes so much to embrace and make reality, and in all that one can think about, allow such thoughts to give birth in an alternate.

so when reality meets this alternate reality, of that in your mind, and doesn't quite meet, doesn't quite reconcile with each, a disappointment, a despair grows up deep within, and then it all crumbles down, it comes down in shambles, your world.

the day that you realise, from the beginning, while you thought she knew you, she didn't at all.

and at the end, you learn, it really doesn't matter if anyone understand you, what matters really, is that as long as someone loves with, despite not understanding you, it is, really, good enough.

"one is never really too intelligent or deep to be understood, one just lacks the intellect to be able to simply put thought in simple terms so as to be understood."

i am never really surprised by what i remember, just at what i forgot. you. You.

it was a thought you were in love with,

not a person.

MarkSae, Da-jie Bid Goodbye at 3:35 AM

i.S. t.h.i.S. t.h.e. e.n.d. o.R. t.h.e. S.t.a.R.t.