All i Ever Want To Do iS Worship . . .

Monday, September 09, 2013

writing, for myself.

when you realise it was just one day away from MDD, it scares you.

想要狠狠地哭一场，但怕了一开始就不停了。

they said that you have a choice, a choice to cry or to laugh, a choice with your emotions, but is there really a choice, what if you've just felt so bad, so down so depressed, there isn't such a choice. you wake up, and you know, there isn't a choice, that today will be a good productive day, and then it makes you sad to know that it has never been one. and you try to distract yourself, you have windows of clarity, you have windows wherein you know you can do it, and after, you get a feeling that it is over, that window has closed, that's all the work you can do, that's all the work awarded for you today, that's all the happiness you are entitled to.

and yet you yield your mind, you tell yourself, you can do better than that, you are stronger than that, you are able to make this day productive you are able to make pass another day, without tears, without rotting away.

and there, you lose your thought trail, it is gone, vanish, it evades you, and a new one starts.

you aren't the worst day of your life, but yet, memory serves you well, too well.

they said that you had no idea what goes on behind those smiles, those laughters, those jokes.

life is a painful journey, everyone dopes to go through it, mine's coffee, what's yours?

when nightmares and reality merge, waking from a bad dream, only to realise that it is a living nightmare, again.

it's a september, i asked for rain, but not everyday like that.

but if the pain reminds me that i'm alive, maybe, just maybe, i'm protecting the fact that i'm real, unique and alive?

ask, or forever know not what happens.

it is when you didn't make it matter to you, that you mattered no more.

or maybe that week was an indication of BPD, but then again... maybe it was just the lack of self control.

but yet it was funny to have asked Siri, just for fun really, about suicide, and have a response to googling SOS, as if that would have really worked, but i can see Apple trying.

but i gather it's just studying too much and knowing too much and then becoming hypochondriac. much fun for that? imagine you walk into a clinic and tell the doctor, i think i have a severe case of hypochondria, how would s/he respond and administer treatment? oh what an irony. maybe for once you self diagnosed right, after all this while.

why talk when no one listens, so silence would be my choice of action, and absence my course of a route.

but write, for when you write, even as no one reads, you listen. it clears your heart and your mind, and cry, for like the clouds in the skies, the tears are the rain that brings about a clear sky at the end.

and some clouds when its dusk would always make a beautiful scene, so sleep with some clouds, dream beautiful dreams, and wake to a sky that has beauty written all over it.

or maybe i just need some (more) alcohol.

look up, and soul, praise, come on, just do it, its where the joy would come from.

and sometimes i just want to linger a little longer in this. to kill myself, to allow it to eat me a little up each day, and it'll be restful, it will be.

maybe 30 really is a good, and 4 more, four more long ones to go. so so long.

i believe in the - yepp lost that trail of thought too. see, who needs meds to not be able to hold a thought, i don't.

you impede my creativity.

don't worry, i'll be fine. at least i think so.

the madness speaks, the some clouds really clear.

MarkSae, Da-jie Bid Goodbye at 5:52 PM

i.S. t.h.i.S. t.h.e. e.n.d. o.R. t.h.e. S.t.a.R.t.